Another match

Since Shrove Tuesday, the days pass punctuated by desperate yearnings to see by dad again. I realized that he tried to prepare me for this period of my life and the thought of his care and foreknowledge of how I'd feel or be just emphasized the enormity of my loss..the father who mothered me, the best friend who supported me and the father who made my world safe. As I said before:"He's at peace while I'm in pieces". One should not cry when someone is in the presence of Jesus. I know full well the tears are for myself. God promised to make my bed and I trust in his unfailing love. He also promised to care for the fatherless and so I know He has another reason to care for me..

Even as a grief counsellor, well acquainted with grief, I did not expect this engulfing darkness. Yet beauty is dependent on what is reflccted by light . Therefore, I pray that in my darkness, beautiful pictures would be painted by God.

Playing the game

Today, I almost had my canine tooth for dessert. Fortunately, its tastelessness and rough edges made me take a closer look. It had broken off at the base but the barely visible stump of my tooth was covered in black colored adhesive.. This appeared as decay so I phoned my dentist immediately. In less than two hours, my tooth was repaired and I had recovered from going to the dentist without a vigorous brushing of teeth before such a visit.

Hours before, I had heard of the suicide of a colleague making me punch drunk. My father’s death was acknowledged at a meeting as I sat becalmed on a sea of solitude as conversation lapped like waves around me.

For the first time in my life, I do not want to go out to work. I really don’t want to do anything. I go through motions of activity and am relieved when I can make a decision, complete a task. My lethargy defies my good intentions and sabotages my plans.

I get home and phoned my mother keeping the promise that I made as she sobbed when I left. I asked her to watch television to keep her mind active in an attempt to slow down the ravages of Alzheimer’s. She thoughtfully agreed with me but without my dad, I worry how she’d pass the time. She did not tell me that my sister became very upset as she packed up my father’s belongings. I did not mention it. But a strange thing happened, my sister’s tears and brother’s upset did not affect me today.

Despite the topsy -turvy time, I feel less flattened by unknown weights, the sea of grief that daily threatens to wash my life away seemed less ferocious . So tonight, Shrove Tuesday, I celebrate my best day in three months.