Three hundred and sixty five days

Yesterday has gone since twenty four minutes ago. I returned home twice on my way to work for my phone and credit cards that I did not find. I phoned my assistant and asked Do I have to come to work today or can I work from home? She reminded me of a meeting at 1 , some training at 5.30p.m so I knew that meant that it was business as usual. For an anxious hour I searched for the missing cards before finding them in a very safe location.

It seemed an ordinary day and yet, a year ago, my heart was overwhelmed with grief which shattered my life. So I shared the night with the sleepless; the endless tears, silent and uncomforting. I recall brief moments of respite as "Let it be" echoed in my head. It was such a surprise that this poignant lyric helped in a way the great hymns I love did not.

There is an" insanity" in loss. One day , I could not stop the tears because my dad lay buried under a heavy snow storm. When the brilliance of spring sunshine made me want to dance, I began to sob because, it was a day he could not enjoy. I even thought how unkind parents were to die before their children. I knew I was irrational but I cried anyway. While the tears drenched my spirit, and apathy threatened to cripple , life continued to demand its celebrations: anniversaries, birthdays and ceremonial events. Each of these was a guidepost. Each pointed the way to a different place. Pain is part of the human experience. It often signals growth. It usually spells change as we adjust and adapt.

I am more mindful of my father than when he was alive. His thoughts live in my head as he urges me to live my best life. Decades ago, he told me that I was brave, In the aftermath of his passing, for weeks I hid under the bed . However, I have had a good year without him and knowing how much I loved him, I am sure, he's cheering my achievement. I take him in my future, not as a sentimental talisman but rather as a reflection of his values and beliefs. I know that there is no night in heaven and a thousand days are but one but I hope that there are anniversaries there and that he had a great time. We'll meet again.