Seventeenth Day

My first computer was bought in 1986. It was an Amstrad and it worked with two discs. I booted it by inserting the operating system then inserted the logos software. I bought it in a hurry to complete a research project on homelessness. My other projects were done by typewriter which was painstakingly slow for me when I wanted to be accurate. Making a mistake in the last paragraph without a way of correcting it neatly spoiled many evenings as tried to retype the page only to make another error.
If missing deadlines on a typewriter was a minor tragedy, it was heavenly to work on a computer with the capacity to self correct, copy and paste. I adored my computer and the ability to print perfect copies until several years later when I had another research deadline. Thirty six hours before, I booted the computer after an early dinner and worked non-stop except for coffee breaks all through the night. Next day I skipped meals and with the end in sight proceeded to work through the second night to be certain of completion. My energy lasted but my computer did not. At 4.30am in the morning as I was sorting out the Appendices, there was the acrid smell of smoke and burning. My heart survived the shock of knowing that the last 36 hours of constructing tables with carefully thought out analyses were lost in smoke. My infatuation with the computer was over. A second experience convinced me of the need to complete important work with time enough to repeat the process if necessary.

Twenty five years later, technology has transformed home computing to the extent that it is almost unrecognizable from the primitive models of the early eighties. I do not have a flair for technical skills but I'm no technophobe. I attend classes whenever I have the opportunity. I've even learnt how to build a computer. I can't recall much but I'm no longer mystified. However, my software skills need updating too so I enrolled in a Mous class. I have attended other classes before. Few made a lasting impression but this class inspires me. I can work faster and better. A whole new world of mouse clicks awaits. I long to spend weeks just immersing myself in one heading after another.

Yet, this world was always there within reach. It is available on my computer. It is accessible because the computer is in my office. Yet all its time saving, document enhancing features went untouched. I feel that there are some similarities with studying the Bible. There is a ribbon with many headings which I see but never explore.

Home Button: Trust in the Lord with all thy Heart
The Empowerment heading: He giveth strength to the weak
The Insurance Heading: I go to prepare a place for you
The Prosperity heading: My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches glory
Layout Heading: IN all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy path
There are so many headings I have never used and I've missed precious experiences on the journey because of unbelief and ignorance. Exciting times lie ahead as I explore the soft ware and Heavenly ware.

Sixteenth Day

Two of my colleagues attended another funeral of a loved one. Divorce does not always sever emotional ties. Long crushed feelings that are sometimes hastily packaged in an attempt to move on can surprise me. So I hope that these colleagues have peace in their goodbyes.

One of the great things about living my life is that no two days are the same. It is similar to fashion that has the same basics but changes with frills or shorter hems, plaids or stripes to make a difference between a new look and an outdated one. Today, had a higher quota of frustrations slightly eased by meeting three new people whose stories made me grateful once again for a grace-filled life. I’m less wary now of people who always claim to be blessed, particularly when it seems to be used like a slogan. However, even amidst the friction and pressure of office dynamics, it is stimulating to be involved at the roundabout of daily living.
It is also challenging when my every discourse is monitored. After all, if God is really with me, how can I be rude, deceitful or destructive? Jesus asked us to pray “Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven”. This suggests that prayers are connected to the outcome. God’s will is so clear about the behavior of the poor and the prosperous. If He is with me, then our togetherness should positively affect the lives of others. My father used to say that there was bread in the house of Joseph because God was with him.
I hope that today someone’s life was better because God was with me.

Fifteenth Day

I attended a funeral this morning to support a colleague whose father had died. I signed the book and waited in line to see the family most of whom I did not know.
I murmured something non-specific and said that I was sorry…just words but words are all there is in times like these. I wanted to use other words. I wanted to say that nothing would have prepared them for the heartache, for the emptiness, the knowledge that their world has changed forever. Fourteen months ago, I too sat in a front row seat looking at my father’s coffin.

Time has smoothed the edges of my grief but a song; a happy moment may end in unbearable weeping. Dealing with loss peels away the scab that forms around my heart and leaves me hurting again. As I have not felt able to put all the pieces of my fractured life together, I suspect that some pieces are too fragmented to fit and make the old pattern. This saddens me but these irretrievable bits present an opportunity to live life differently. There is mindfulness in living when you walk with sorrow.

This attitude makes me grateful for the well being of those me love. It makes me appreciative of all my blessings especially when I’m aware of tragedy in the lives of so many people. These tragedies put in perspective natural loss and assure me that the loss of my dad is just “a light affliction”.

My experience of affliction will differ from my colleague’s. In all probability, she will not find it “light” but she will have the presence of a compassionate, comforting God.

Fourteenth Day

The trip to the doctor was cancelled because I awoke with a cold. My voice might have become croaky but the searing pain in my throat has gone.My ears seemed blocked but they are no longer united by a painful rod. My fever has also gone and compared to the misery of yesterday, I feel fine. I decided to go to work taking two tablets as insurance, was welcomed with relief.

Not knowing adds so much anxiety to our lives. Despite the countless number of colds I have endured, I could not understand the level of pain yesterday so feared the worse. When the signs of an upper respiratory tract infection became apparent, I could relax, sip mint tea perfused with lemon and ginger as I wait it out.

It is said that in human experience "there is nothing new". So old experiences of people and situations come in new packages. I often hesitate to open the unfamiliar or worry because of the different shape or size of the problem when I've addressed similar problems before at another time in another place. Fear can sap my curiosity and often prevents me from opening the packages life sends. Yet even what seems to be new is often made up of parts of the old so I already have the skills and experience for a successful solution.

I will try to remember this when my new staff member starts to-morrow. I will hold to this belief when I feel overwhelmed with conflicting demands. I know that things, like my walk with God, change but remain the same

Thirteenth Day

Early Sunday morning, an arc of pain across my throat and ears woke me up. I felt feverish and wondered if the fever had affected my dreams which made glad to be awake. Although I was looking forward to going to Church, I thought that I should take care of myself by being sensible. So I read “the best of everything” that I had bought yesterday. The central character, a pastor’s daughter, was always given the best of everything by her father who paid her extravagant bills out of guilt for this treatment of his family. She married the man of her dreams but thought that he should accept her adultery and excessive debts because he promised to love her until death.

Even with the failure of her marriage and national disgrace, she remained unrepentant as she felt her problems would be resolved if she married someone rich enough.
Her egocentricity was breathtaking but it made me reflect on my excuses and the dynamics of my relationships. Sometimes we can expect too much of others.

Finding acceptance for other viewpoints is part of compassionate communication, despite the claims of postmodernism, not every perspective is privileged. While I agree that absolute positions should be taken with caution, I feel that there are some ethical issues that are right in any culture or time. Ancient virtues of faith, self-reliance, saving for a rainy day, help your neighbor, protecting the defenseless still have a place in our society. It is so

I want to move with the times the same as any teenager. Yet I recall the warning of the ancient prophets against removing the ancient landmarks; so I try, not only during Lent but as a lifestyle choice to let them stand.

Thirteenth Day

Thank God for weekends. I became increasingly tired as the week faded away but stayed up until this morning to complete an article. I didn’t have time to review it and when I went to bed, better phrasing of words and alternative sentences haunted my mind chasing sleep away. So I went to bed after 4am and I did not even hear my alarm.
I stayed in bed in carefree mood feeling that I should rest some more. At 11.30am, I had breakfast and completed Solomon or the Song of Songs. As a song, it will not make my Top Ten list but as one of the thousands of songs Solomon wrote, its beauty has endured. It is after all, a love story in the tradition of the prince and a pauper. At a time w hen I’m practicing a love affair with God, reading a love story in the Bible has His fingerprints. The confidence of the Bride and the adoration of Solomon have made me revise my critique of this book.

I exercised to a CD that buzzed in several places. A few days ago it was undamaged. Now the third and fourth tracks were tortuous as it crackled and slowed down showing some positions in slow motion.

I hit the stores searching for a suitable table for coffee dispensers and a rug. Bought two sensory toys because they were irresistible. I can hardly wait to see the toddlers’ faces on Monday.

Shopping for food was fun because I found some crackers I ate as a child. Although I can eat anything, the food of my childhood reaches parts other food does not reach. When I am sick or distressed, my comfort food is what I ate as a child. It makes me think that whatever happens, all is right with the world. A good of rest and no commitments enlivened by a lengthy phone call from a childhood friend is surely a blessed day.

Thank God for weekends

Twelve Days

Today, I signed the consent for the Center to become a training site but my mind was jammed with so many things to do. Applications for various projects, research for others, starting some more. Armed with deadlines, it is easy forget the presence of God but I know He is there. Sometimes He rebukes, sometimes He comforts or encourages. Sometimes He just stays around. I'm getting to like those times even better for only old friends can share soothing silence.
I completed the Proverbs 31 article, something I don't think that I would have done two weeks ago. Simply put, God gives me confidence. Whether I win or not, I had the discipline to submit 879 words within a tight deadline. I would like to use my niece's example to abandon myself to to God . She was alone in her classroom but she was unperturbed. The CD player was on and as she touched her toes and patted her stomach, she was entranced. She clapped her hands when each track ended and stood on tiptoe to find the mouse. Her granddad came to take her home but she ignored him to dance to one more song. It must be great being 15 months old, adored by all the adults in your life, not fully aware of your toddler legs, but knowing that you would be picked up if you fall.
God is disarmed by trust and I want to trust HIm as a little child for He knows the way that I take and when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold.

Eleventh Day

One hundred years ago, the journey from Teays Valley to Clarksburg would have been an adventure. With modern transport. I left yesterday in time for a snack and the first session of a Conference, My colleague and I patiently waited until it was over despite hearing the plenary speaker at an earlier session. We were really pleased that it was no longer raining although the skies ''were gray. The traffic was light, perhaps affected by the threat of tornado warning last night, at 6p.m , it was dark, the rain so heavy that we could not make out the road way beyond the headlights when we saw a brilliant blue streak. It,s blue!, we exclaimed in a chorus as if through saying it, we would overcome our disbelief.
We made good time and arrived at work without mishap. I returned to work and my computer class. Each evening of class reveals new skills . Twelve minutes from my class, I was invited to dinner so I chose a restaurant near my home so that I'll be close to bedI I wanted to complete an article for She speaks Conference and write my blog. Well, twice in one week, I fell asleep in mid sentence. I woke up on Friday morning but my back stuck to the mattress like a leech. Eventually I jumped up to start a long day.
It was trying because of the complaints received and problems reported. Some days are like that but my training went well despite their ambivalence towards non-violent communication. Human nature is unpredictable. Folks admitted to strategies hip through blame did not matter.

I know that God is a provider and yet I worry about tomorrow. When I want to be indepenent, He often has to bail me out. But, I really need to make the effort to consult HIm first to avoid second guessing the Almighty God. I like my own way until I see a "No through road sign". Learning that God's way is best is not as easy as it looks.

Tenth Day

On the ninth day, I was mentally preparing myself for a 5.15 wake-up call. I had to attend a conference one hundred and fifty miles away so couldn't afford to oversleep. My preparation was probably more stressful than I realized for this morning I woke before the alarm, my blog unfinished and un-posted. Nine days since I started on this unique journey with God, I have been nurturing our relationship.

There are some practical elements too. I checked into my room but could not get the programs of my choice: Pay -per-view held no appeal as I was on a business card. I am an adult who will not watch adult movies as they hint of the risque. I concede that it is a prejudiced view from a grown-up who would laugh hysterically at the pretensions of Frazier or the thick skin of Grace at Will's expense.

I called housekeeping and found Oprah. When the internet connection was unavailable, I contacted the technicians. Being mindful of God's presence is not really about singing hymns and praying. It's having someone to talk to about every day things and situations. Usually, I would have ignored the television. I would have been frustrated not following my plan because I brought my lap top to do some work. As usual, I had a plan B consisting of books to read, crosswords, puzzles, crocheting. When you are single, hotel rooms can be very lonely, yet freed from routine one has the opportunity to tackle transportable tasks,
So Plan B was a good alternative but I achieved my primary goal by valuing my time and comfort enough to ask for help. To-night, I feel at ease. I envisage God sitting in a chair just keeping me company. Maybe we will talk tonight but I'm happy anyway.

Ninth Day

One of my colleagues was at her father's bed-side as he died while across town, her grand mother died in hospital. What can you say to the grieving hearts when life hurls these crushing sorrows? I was a volunteer grief counsellor and know that loss affects us in unique way. Our mourning can be inhibited or delayed by circumstances. I think of my friend emerging from that house in brilliant sunshine. People shop. They laugh. The patterns of their lives reman unaffected while the bereaved try to cope with the gap in their lives.

I cannot bear to watch or even think of catastrophe in Japan yet like most in the unaffected areas of the world, our lives continue while theirs are changed forever. I do not know why so much human suffering happens; although I have read so many explanations not least among them the classic best-seller by a rabbi "When bad things happen to good people?" Job was a righteous man and he suffered so much. I take comfort that I cannot attract Satan as Job did for indeed all my righteous are as filthy rags. Most of the time I think that I am not good enough so when trouble strikes there is often the soul searching that God might be re-directing my heart. It took me sometime to realise that the rain falls on the just and unjust. So my theology of suffering is still in incomplete.

I think of the book; Bridge over the river Kwai that depicted Japanese cruelty and I think of the horrific loss of life, much greater than the present disaster, after the bombs changed Hiroshima and Nagasaki forever during World War 11. Seven decades later, the president of the United States in offering support declared that we feel for our Japanese friends and European countries echoed similar sentiments as well as offers of help. For me this is God in disasters providing opportunities for people to show His love, to demonstrate forgiveness, to be His Hands to bring comfort and support. In times of greatest distress, so many countries unite, christian and secular organizations find common cause despite the barriers of geography, language and culture
to bring relief.




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The Eighth Day

Tonight, two friends and I were discussing the different and personal ways we hear from God. Laura, a gifted wrier is using the concept of weekly playdates with God to develop her relationship with HIm. I ascribe to God human characteristics as part of my device to know hIm as a friend and lover.
This is not meant to subtract from God's omnipotence, holiness or majesty. I experience God's mercy and grace. I am often overwhelmed by His faithfulness and I am certain of HIs love. Yet, i long to know Him as Abraham and Moses did. The Church is the Bride of Christ and the Church consists of all God's people. Therefore, I feel as an individual, that I should be able to have a similar relationship.

Hesitantly, I have asked God to show me how to be His lover. While waiting for the answer, I am enjoying acting on the presumption that God is jealous. I recall the dynamics of earlier relationships when I sacrificed time and expended effort just to be with my lover. Words were often superfluous and I did not ask for benefits for my friends , my family or even myself. Being with him was what really mattered. I remember once being so happy that I thought, even if it were possible, I won't exchange my friend for Prince Charles with all his wealth and status. So the bride is content with her bridegroom as he is.
Now, based on those experiences, I float off to sleep thinking about Him. I did worry about bed=time rituals. I couldn't lie in bed cradling the phone in my ear and talking for hours but to my relief, God directed me to some love letters in Isaiah.

Probably, I'm being zany, but I'm longing for the time when I'll feel held by God as lovers are. Who knows whether that would occur during this Lenten journey but I do know that God has been gracious in joining me on this unique search and letting me know Him in a more intimate way.

Seventh Day

It's been an inspiring week since last Sunday when God gave me directions for my Lenten meditation. True to his nature, He has provided signposts each day to keep me on the right route. I can't help my sense of expectancy for this new week as I start on my eighth day.

From Adversity to Advantage was the theme of the sermon today. The preacher was very eloquent and his use of language fascinated me. His pairing of antonyms was startling and memorable: deacons and the destitute, musicians and madams, preachers and prostitutes, members and miscreants. Yet what has stuck in my mind and challenged my life is his assertion that the omnipotence of God is not thwarted by our impotence.

How often I focus on my failures, and my inadequacy. I see problems rather than possibilities. Neale Walsh asserts that God is asking us to listen to our feelings or senses rather than to our thoughts. This clearly indicts me as I follow my thoughts, and second guess my gut reaction. For me, problems are to be analyzed systematically in order to be completely resolved.

Of course, I do have feelings, some like a tidal threatened to engulf reason as well as my respect for self . Consequently, over decades, I have built sea-defences of rationality and these have served me well. Nevertheless, this Lenten insight is timely for our feelings can tell us the truth about ourselves. The truth may set us free in ways we do not anticipate as it certainly changes the discourse. So I will be paying attention to my feelings however uncomfortable. After all, God gave me five senses for a reason. I now have the opportunity to use both the truth of my feelings as well as some thinking to inform my relationships. Old habits die hard but Isaiah instructs :Let the weak say I’m strong. God advises that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
On this spring day under a clear, sunny sky, cheered up by clumps of yellow in the gardens as daffodils nod in the breeze, it is easy to believe that God can use our impotence. On rainy days when I am wet , tired and frustrated, I need to believe it too.

Sixth Day

A friend helped me this morning to clear the dried stalks and moldy leaves that screamed; "Neglected garden''. The ground was soggy which made it easier to pull out the tomato and bean stems, The roots of the ochre plants were much deeper and although the soil was soft, we needed a fork to dig them up. We removed the walls of mesh that kept the rabbits out and pulled up thirty tall tomato holders carefully to avoid being stabbed by the sharp spikes that anchored them the ground. We left the weeds as they did not call attention to themselves as they blended with the lawn. When the earth has warmed up, we will turn the soil over. Then all the weeds would be taken care of. The beautiful day was made more enjoyable by productive work.

After the hard work, my helper and I shared a fifteen bean vegetable soup complemented with carrots, potatoes and yucca. Boiled Korean sweet rice served with the soup was so glutinous that it glistened despite its brown color in the yellow bowl. It was a simple meal from ingredients of the earth which were completely unprocessed. The earth is the Lord's and it is good to eat of its fulness. As we chatted over the food, we talked about our Lenten journey and our desire to hear from God.
Yet, sometimes, I think that I do not hear because I don't listen. I do not recognize His voice distorted by my own distractions and pre-occupation. I do not hear His voice when I do not want to do what He is asking.

One of the certainties in my life is God"s sense of timing. Tonight, I started a book bought months ago:"Conversations with God"
by Neale Donald Walsch. In truth, It is an uncommon dialogue echoing some of my own questions, reflecting some of my yearnings thereby assuring me that God responds to me, ordinary, flawed and impatient. If I were uncertain before, I do know now that there are others on this journey taking the same route and facing similar challenges. This is comforting and gives me courage.

The Fifth Day

It's Friday and I'm glad. Although I enjoy my work, this week I am really looking forward to the week-end. My closet needs organizing again. It only takes one indecisive morning to litter the floor with clothes, to crunch hangers underfoot and get my carefully arranged color code in disarray. I'm always starting over. The neatness and order delight my heart for a week before I hang one color out of sequence and slowly blues are mixed with red, yellow with black and the room succumbs to disorder.

It's not just the wardrobe. The garden is clamoring for attention. Rose bushes have not been pruned nor the bushes trimmed. Indeed the tomato hoops of summer are still in place. The flower pots have dry stems and strong healthy weeds.

My craft basket has an unfinished crocheted shawl, quarter of a knitted scarf and quilting pieces. My kitchen sockets and lights have stopped working although I've tried fiddling in the fuse box.

So my week-end should be spent bringing order outside and out. Sometimes, like most older women who are still at work, I don't feel up to it. I'd rather stay in bed and read. Yet, I am more emotionally secure when there is order around me. l feel closer to God when I'm in a tidy space. Therefore to increase our intimacy, no matter the distraction, I will work hard at order. The sense of accomplishment at seeing rows of clothes hanging in colorful order should last all of next week or until the time when I don't know what to wear.

A sense of accomplishment from a good week-end makes me tackle Monday morning with optimism. The distinction between my work and private life is only around the tasks as the value and meaning of all activities remain the same-serving God among the flower beds or desk tops.

Fourth Day

I went to a meeting today with my colleagues from across the county. It was very challenging to hear the different views about the separation of Church and State. Having worked for a State most of my life, I cannot recall feeling that my job compromised my religious beliefs. I was taught that sick people are vulnerable and it is unethical to discuss religion when they are helpless. However, addressing a patient’s spirituality is important to his or her holistic care. So I have read the Bible , prayed or contacted religious advisors but I have not invited patients to my church . Once, I had a patient who was in a spiritual and emotional crisis. I returned to my car for my Bible, read what I thought was appropriate, tended to her physical needs and referred her to a Christian lady by leaving her telephone number.

Six months later, I was invited to her baptism and two years later, I became a member of her church. She became my best friend. This story is a happy one but even if my intervention had ended with the telephone, my actions would have been viewed as appropriate because I responded to her need without violating her privacy or vulnerability. I recorded my action in her notes

Years later at a conference held at my church, I met several former patients who said that they always wondered which church I attended because they knew that I was a Christian. Although they were unchurched, they recognized a difference in the ordinary things.

I have truly learnt that it is our intention that sanctifies the activity. When I am asked through the apostle Paul to present my body as a living sacrifice, I have to make a choice each day. Some days the choice is made with me still burning from yesterday’s heat and my heart is heavy as I anticipate additional pain. At those times, it is much easier to be a dead sacrifice…one big decision, one final offering. No possibility for second guessing. One massive martyrdom and you’re done.

Nevertheless, sacrifice should infiltrate activities of daily living. It should underpin my relationships as I esteem others better than myself. It might be a sacrifice of praise or the sacrifice of encouragement when I am so in need of comfort myself. It might be the sacrifice of attentiveness as you privilege the story of a rambler, knowing that this time my story will remain untold.

I may not understand the total separation of church and state .but I do not believe that all Christian activities should be confined to Christian institutions. I believe that as I live in my imperfect life my version of Christ’s, people can find Him.

3rd day

Today, I didn’t wake up with a start. I kept hearing the alarm going on and on in my sleep. I kept dreaming of missing appointments because I’d overslept. Of course, I did oversleep and when I eventually awoke I had to choose between exercise and more of the Song of Solomon. I chose the Song because belatedly, I realize that it is about a relationship. I can learn something from Solomon and his Shulammite. They might have gazed in each others eyes but their elegant similes and metaphors demonstrated that they were never at a loss for words. This Shulammite lady might not have had time for spa treatments as she was busy tending her brothers’ vineyards. She was fully aware that she could not compete with the grooming of the elegant daughters of Jerusalem. Notwithstanding these adverse circumstances, she did not assume inferior status although she was being courted by the greatest king on earth. She conceded that Solomon was handsome, pleasant and rich but went on to declare that she was the rose of Sharon, the lily of the valley. Twenty first century women claim gender equality but few have the confidence to accept their body with its flaws and so confidently claim their strengths.

I may never have cheated nor sought to wrong folk. My friends describe me as wise and giving but can I use these qualities to define me during a courtship? On the contrary, like so many women I down play my strengths and hope that my helplessness will make the fellow feel more secure. Dishonesty with good intent underpins too many relationships.

I certainly learnt about partnering in relationships today from a lady , over 2000 years old, who lived in another place and culture. She humbles me by her knowledge of self and affirmation of her feelings. She knew that she was worthy to be loved and Solomon, a connoisseur of women was bewitched by her. He proved his wisdom in choosing her above the daughters of Jerusalem. Of course, Solomon was the wisest man ever but some men of these times still feel threatened if the women in their lives earn more, learn more or do more. The Shulammite would find many soul sisters today, but she might be hard pressed to find a Solomon.

Day 2

This journey through Lent is so different from other trips when I was pre-occupied religious readings and observances as well as well as what I was giving up. I attempt the Daniel fast but find that I eat more than before I changed my diet. There is a craving for food although my caloric and nutrient needs are being met. So I eat all the time. Strange fast but I refuse to allow my eating habits to pre-occupy my thoughts and make me too guilty to hear God’s voice. I realize that on some days I’ll relate better than others.

My mission is to serve God through the routine of every day life, reaching out to people where we meet. I had overslept this morning and had to forego my Bible reading and my exercise so my day did not have the best start. Disregarding my failures, God used an ordinary class to inspire someone to serve Him better. It was an awesome moment. I felt some empathy for the little boy who gave up his fish or the servants who had their water turned into wine. When Christ anoints our daily tasks and tools with His transformative power, His kingdom comes and we know His will is done.

Thirty minutes of awe and I was immersed again in the humdrum of administrative tasks. Mountain tops give us picturesque views but work calls to us from the valley floors.. Yet I know that this experience will encourage me through the frustrations and disappointments that are part of the working life. It is one of my Lenten gifts, which makes me feel special and loved.

First day

Last night, I went to bed laughing at myself and wondering how God could tolerate our inconsistencies and still have any thunderbolts left. My excuse was that I had recently celebrated a birthday with flowers, good wishes and fruit. Decades of singlehood had taught me how to care for myself so I bought the first lot of yellow carnations. I usually try to do something different as an immunization against getting into a paralyzing rut. This year, seduced by the free trial, I started to apply to an on-line dating service. Self -description is not at all easy for me so I thought that I should sleep on it. Sleep evaded me, and then the implication of what I had attempted made me feel shallow and trite. After all, I'm already trying to build a relationship. I feel that the least I can do is treat God as I would a lover. Therefore, I can't be looking for a date during this period of relating to Him. In my romantic relationships, I was always loyal to my partner so God shouldn't be treated differently. In fact, He said that He is a jealous God and that we should put none before Him.

I take comfort in knowing that no part of my mind or heart is unknown to God so I recovered from my on-line adventure. I still wanted to know how to say good night to the God of the universe. Rituals are important in giving meaning and intimacy. I recall during the dating game, going to bed reflecting on what we'd done or shared so this will be my starting point. Memories of my bedtime routine when my thoughts were crowded with images of the one I cared about and my heart longed for the next day to see him again and to start all over, made me smile. Treating God like a person is an adventure, not knowing where it will end , only hoping to be with Him.

Lent starts on Sunday

During last Lent, my church had the Daniel fast. There was a great spirit of comraderie and a lot of positive health benefits although my friend and I seemed to be the only people who did not lose weight. The time was memorable because I fell down the stairs at work but landed sitting two steps below where I tripped. I was certain that God intervened to stop me crashing down to the next floor. Sore for days with a knee that was badly swollen, I felt really grateful that I had escaped so lightly. However, I did not have new spiritual insights and felt somewhat disappointed when Lent ended.
On Shrove Tuesday, I made English pancakes as I've yet to learn to make the American ones. My guests enjoyed them but making pancakes was the only tangible preparation I made for the Lenten season. Ash Wednesday came and passed, and I remained unclear as to the direction of my 2011 Lenten journey. I completed the Book of Proverbs. Starting the Song of Solomon was automatic but Isaiah or the gospel seemed more inviting at this time. Saturday, was spent hanging out with my niece and her charming friend when I was not watching cartoons and playing toy pool with my nephew. As they left for dinner, I raced to Kroger's for breakfast food: bread,bacon, eggs, cheese, cookies (not on the list of the Daniel fast).
Sunday morning, I tiptoed to my niece's room to take breakfast orders. Sleepily, she informed me that she would eat on the road, I thought: I can't keep eggs for forty days, I'd already emptied my fridge of unsuitable stuff but I smiled and asked: "Leaving so soon"? As I was only going to eat oatmeal, I slid in the shower. Rubbing exfoliants on my face, my body relaxed beneath the caress of the warm sprays. I remembered shortening my bath just to be able to spend more time with someone. Amidst the suds, the challenging question begged an answer: Can you love me enough to want to spend as much time with me as you did that man? This morning I was confronted and humbled with the state of my heart as I could not answer Yes! I try so hard to please God and to live my life in obedience to HIm. I really want HIs will for my life but do I want just to spend time with HIM, to be with HIm alone. Isn't it strange that I am willing to work for God, am more ready to die for my beliefs about God than to enjoy a love relationship with HIm? So exploring this paradox is now my Lenten quest.
How can God be my lover? How can I have that sense of expectancy to be with Him. How can I make it real. Holy,Creator God of the universe in a relationship with me- finite, fragile , female sinner. What happens next, I really don't know but I'm ready.